A Tragic Story of Domestic Violence

Remember these words. Live by these words. by King Arthur of Camelot.
  
Be gentle to the weak. Be courageous to the strong. Be terrible to the wicked and evildoer. Defend the helpless who should call upon you for aid. Women should be held sacred to you. Defend one another whenever such defense should be required. Be merciful to all people and creatures. Be gentle in deed, true in friendship and faithful in love.  Be honorable to others as well as yourself. Be truthful to one another.  Be not afraid to admit when you are in the wrong. Be the best you can be at your duties.

This story is about one of the most deadly diseases we have in this world today it is Domestic Violence. This story is a heart wrenching true story, it is our story. Please read to the bottom it is very important.
 

We can stop this by taking a stand for what we know is right. Help save a victim. A Domestic Violence Victim is anyone who is being physically, emotionally, and mentally abused by a family member, boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. This is something that does not get better with time it will only get worse and without help the Victims cannot become Survivors. They will not make it out alive. Domestic Violence is a war that is being fought on a daily basis. So let’s do what we can to combat this Violence.  By letting our children know now that it is wrong and that it is not a normal life style to lead, that violence is not the answer to every problem in life.  Also Educate them on how to Recognize the Domestic Violence so that we can break the chain now.

 Domestic Violence is something that no one should ever have to go through, although there are many that do.  Domestic Violence is a very serious disease that most people do not yet understand. It is something that most people just brush under the rug as if it doesn't happen, at least not to them or in their family, until one cold chilling night comes along and it has hit close to their own home. When one of their family members has been beaten or murdered by the hand of their boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, of wife. Then and only then does it become apparent to them that Domestic Violence is REAL and a problem.  Most people do not realize the severity of the damage that Domestic Violence can cause, until it hits home for them.

There are a lot of people that believe that if a person stays in or goes back to a Domestic Violence relationship after being abused the first time that they deserve everything that happens to them.  That it is their fault because they stayed or went back. Some say the solution is to leave the abuser and have them arrested, but that is easier said then done. Most of the time the person or persons that is being abused is so terrified of what their abuser can and will do to them if they did try to leave, that they stay quiet.  In 95% of the cases the victim is so brainwashed by their abuser that the abuser has the victim believing that they could not make it alone or without them in the world. 

Most people do not realize the physiological damage that occurs when a Domestic Violence Victim is told day in and day out that no one would want them because they are used or damaged goods, how unworthy unattractive, how stupid they are, and they are not worth the air that god gave them to breathe.  Being abused in this manner causes a person’s self-esteem to fall so low that they begin to believe the lies that their abuser says. By this time the victim’s self-esteem and self worth lay completely and utterly shattered on the ground in millions of pieces.  Then what is replaced by the person everyone once knew is a traumatized shell of a person

Most Domestic Violence victims are so traumatized from being emotionally, physiologically, and physically abused that if they do make it out alive they end up having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD). Most of them do not know they have it until it is too late and everything they had is gone, their home, children, identity, and their life as they knew it.  The only way to help is to talk about and take action against the disease we all know as DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

If you know of someone that is going through Domestic Violence and needs help encourage them to get help. They can even contact me for the encouraging words, because I am a proud Domestic Violence Survivor

This is one thing that many of even my friends do not know about me. This takes a lot of courage on my part to tell my story. I have had to change my Identity because of my Abuser.

 I have a wonderful life now but there was a horrible and heavy price I paid because of Domestic Violence.  I lost everything including the four most important things in my life were taken from me because I was unable to hold a job because of the (PSTD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was left with a life that once was and my heart lied shattered on the ground after saving my 4 children and myself from a Domestic Violence Relationship. Therefore the Texas Children's Protective Services was able to take my four babies away because I could not pay the child support ordered by the courts. On top of my fear of and the threats from their father I was unable to remain in Texas and had trouble getting back and forth to see them.  Because I did not feel safe enough in Texas, because every time I would go and see my children CPS would plan the parent’s visits back to back so I would have to see my abuser. With the threats of him saying he would finish what he started if I tried to get the children and that I would never see my children again. He also said that if I did get them back he would find us no matter where we would go, that there was no escaping him and he would finish what he set out to do because I took the actions I did to save my babies from a life of Domestic Violence.  He had Children’s Protective Services believing I was the bad one.  But who is behind the prison walls for Assault with Deadly Intent (originally Attempted Premeditated Murder), he is.  I struggled even came back to Texas feeling I was strong enough to stand up to him. But all I did was fail I promised my babies I would get them out alive and back home with me and I failed because I had no help. I had no job, and no car to get to the visits. I lived in a small town and there were no jobs close that I could get to. During my struggle to look and show stability I was honest and told CPS where I was living and that I was trying to get a job that I walked all over town to find a job and no one was hiring someone with no experience. But they refused to help they could have at least helped me get to the visits. It wasn't until after the courts involuntarily took my prenatal rights that the case worker said, “Well all you had to do is ask and we could have come and got you.” But yet they wanted me to show that I could do everything by my self. So asking them for help would prove I could not do it by myself.  Luckily all four of my babies were kept together and in a good Christian home, So I thought. I felt better about the whole thing after their father took the bait that the courts gave him to sign his rights away so that he could look like the better person and see our children one last time and receive pictures and write letters at the new parents discretion, thus meaning he would not really get this it was just a ploy to get him to sign his rights away and he took it. I fought to the end for my children never signing my rights away I was told that because I did that I would not get the same privileges that their father got. I was ok with it because I knew he could never hurt us again because he had no chance to get them back now and I did. But I just did not have the money to fight. But the fact that they were all together and safe was fine with me because I knew he would stop at nothing to harm us and I could not be in four places at one time.

God had a plan for us I just could not see it yet. I was contacted by my daughter who is the oldest of the four a few years back. She had been searching for me and she says I am not to blame for this that just like them I was a victim and no one saw this but us. That she still wants to come home and so does her brothers. My daughter had the chance to be given back to me when she was 12 years old but she changed her mind because she did not want to split the family up because she knew she was the key to me finding them because she was the oldest.  They only asked, “Mom, why did you not come and say good-bye that day? “my response was “Because I did not sign me rights away to you and I fought them for you I was told I could not see you.” “I was ok with it because I knew you were all going to be safe from harm and your father.”  “I did has I promised I got us out alive and you have a good home.”  She was 16 years old at this time and she is now 21 years old now. She wanted to come home when she was 18 but she was threatened by her adopted mother that if she had anything else to do with me she would never be able to see her brothers again. These children have been told that there father was innocent and had been told so many lies about me that she was so confused she was told all I wanted was my daughter’s money. When I did not even know she had it. I did not need it I had my own job and pay check. They remember that night many years ago and they remember the rope being around my neck and watching me struggle to get free. They remembered seeing what their father had done. That night I was told that he was going to gut me like a deer and that he would kill the children next then spread our body parts from here to PA where he was from, because no one would miss us or even knew I was there. That night was one of the most horrifying nights of our lives. My oldest son came home to me in July 25, 2009 after his 18^th birthday and said mom, “I know all this was not all your fault. I love you and I know that the other children will come home too even my sister she is just scared and confused because of the lies.”

  I have been told that life while in Children’s Protective Services was not all that good and even after they were adopted that they were smoozed over by the adoptive couple and then after everything was final everything changed they found out that the adopted father was an alcoholic and that the mother would hit the children when she got mad at them.  That the mother would shave their head when they did things wrong thinking it would take their dignity away.  She refused to get them good cars to drive instead of old clunkers that they had to have fixed when they broke down instead of helping them. My daughter did not even get a graduation gift or card. Their adopted mother has done some any things that the children are afraid to try and leave her.  The Children’s Protective Services should have done many things that they did not. They made so many mistakes and tried to cover it up. They took them from a Domestic Violence Victim who did not have a criminal record, who was not a drug addict or alcoholic and put them into a home with even more violence and another alcoholic father. They ridiculed me for moving and not keeping a stable place for more then 3 months but yet in the 1^st year they were in CPS custody they were split up and the 2 older ones stayed together and was suppose to get to see their little brothers every week but did not see them but maybe 20 times in 5 years. The 2 younger children were also separated and moved to about 7-10 different homes until they were placed in their current adoptive parent’s home.  I was told I would never see my children again. I was told by 2 foster moms that they would make sure I never got my children back even if it meant lying on the stand and that they did. My son has made the choice to be here with me and the day I heard him say on the phone “Mom it is me your oldest son can I come home.” The tears just rolled down my cheeks. My son was 17 years old and 1 month from being 18 I told him yes when he was 18 and told him how to find me because I could not help him because he was a minor still but that if he still wanted to come home when he turned 18 he could.  He kind of argued with me and said not in the state of Texas I am considered and adult at age 17. I said I was not sure about that. He showed up on my doorstep the weekend after his 18th birthday.  Let me tell you there were tears that day and hugs memories flowed very emotional. But there was a feeling when he told me “mom you have won your long hard battle of getting us home.” My new husband and I did not know if he had been do drugs or not but because we had younger children at home and we did not do them either we have a no tolerance policy for them. I agreed and failed it so we said you need to start from 2 day and stay clean. He did really well for the 1^st 3 months then he ended up back down in Lake Jackson, TX with the adoptive mother and ended up back on drugs again. He came back and we did this all over again and well on the third try of this he finally decided he needed help after I mentioned his choices of places to go. He had medical insurance and we had a little in the bank saved to help with the rest. He went and is now doing well.  He knew I had some memory loss from an accident I had I lost memory of them and their oldest sister (another child I had 5) that sister had been trying to find them too and did and they had been talking and she gave him my contact information.  I love all of my babies and we were dealt a very bad hand in life but God works in mysterious ways.  The Adoptive mother got my new husbands mother’s contact information and had been calling telling them lies about me and threatening and harassing them trying to provoke me but I just called her up, I had to do this about 3-4 different times and ask her to leave us all alone and the last time I told her legal action would be taken if she did not stop. Now she is just sending my son threatening emails. He says she is crazy. I told him that was not ok to say.  She has caused him and the other children so much hurt and pain. Even his friends he grew up with say the same thing about his adoptive mother. He tells all is friend now how he was cheated out of life of awesome and bad ass mom. Also that he has a great mother me and loves being with me.  With my experience with him now that he is home here with me is that little things like leaving dishes in the sink and forgetting to put the trash out would result in unnecessary punishment in the adoptive parents home.  He is afraid of getting yelled at or punished for the littlest things. It just breaks my heart and I feel to blame for what they had to endure. I am not saying I am totally innocent I mean I am sure I made some mistakes like trusting the wrong people at the right time in my life. I believe that the judicial system in our great nation would see the wrong that was being done and be able to read between the lines and not allow such an unjust thing happen to us, but they did allow it to happen. They closed their eyes and ears and allowed it to happen. There is so much more to this story that needs to be told I would just like our story told so that others may learn that YOU CAN MAKE IT OUT ALIVE. There may be prices to pay but you will all be alive. Also to let it be known of the wrong and negligent things that Children’s Protective Services do.  Children's Protective Services need to be held responsible for ripping innocent families apart. Saying provoking things like "It must be nice only being a parent for 2 hours a week." or "I guess I should believe you over my best friend of 3 years." I know there are many other cases like mine something needs to be done about the unfair manner theses so called social workers and Texas Department of Protective Services officials do things it is called Legal Kidnapping and it is wrong. I was the victim not the evildoer.

 I have been trying for years to find an attorney that would want to take on this case and help in suing CPS, and or the state of Texas so that we can make right what went wrong. but I have had no luck because no one seems to know where to start. If you know of someone that can help please let us know.

Thank you for your help in telling our story.

Kathereen Abbiegayle Shafer.